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A Squatty Potty that’ll make using the bathroom a breeze for your bowels, it’s just that waiting in line with a poo-stool in your hand would really have you down in the ~dumps~.
A weed cookbook for aspiring home-chefs who would rather not explain to the teller where they get their supply from.
A shoe spray to greatly improve your sweaty scent (buying it online means you won’t have to ~sweat-it~ at the register).
A five pound gummy bear — it’s gonna be a delicious dinner in the comfort of your own home, but would be ~beary~ embarrassing if the public found out about your culinary choices.
A tongue cat brush that’ll make your cat *incredibly* happy but would also make the line at the pet store incredibly awkward.
A lice kit — seriously handy to have when things get a little ~hairy~ at home, yet would possibly make judgmental people give your ‘do some stares at the grocery store.
A boyfriend body pillow that’s gonna solve all your snuggling needs and be far easier to find online than an actual S.O. is.
A hearty bottle of Poo-Pourri to keep your bathroom smelling beautiful, because we all know that everyone poops, but we like to pretend that that fact doesn’t ~stink~.
A pack of disposable urinals for camping and road trips and not for explaining to the fellow buying a 32 ounce Diet Coke behind you.
A memory book that’ll cover the not-so-Instagram-worthy moments your family shares together. Nobody needs to know you’d rather record your kid’s worst bowl movements before their first steps.
A hemorrhoid ointment for granting your bottom some relief (buying it online relieves you of having to go anywhere when you’re feeling so sore).
A Pop It Pal — it’s sure to be the satisfying self-care you deserve, as long as nobody asks why you find it so satisfying.
A toilet cleaner for efficiently cleaning your toilet bowl. Buying it on your computer efficiently makes people think it magically stays that clean.
An eggplant emoji vibe you can buy online so no one knows quite how much you love texting.
A box of gas relief medication that’s easy to buy from the safety of your own (currently pungent) apartment.
A dog umbrella you won’t mind people seeing when it gets your dog to finally go to the bathroom in the rain, but you’d still like to avoid the inevitable “raining cats and dogs” joke the cashier would say if you buy it in person.
A wart remover to make sprouting toe growth a summer accessory we all skip this sandal season. Buying this from the comfort of your couch is a solution we can all ~gel~ with.
A Go Girl — not the conversation starter you wanna have with your cashier, but it’s gonna save the day when ~urine~ trouble and can’t find a bathroom.
A pack of toe socks that’ll be toe-tally comfortable if you suffer from chilly toes… but you’ll still prefer to skip the giggles people at the store would give when you get them.
A bottle of bed bug spray best to buy from the comfort of your own pest-infested home, unless you’re prepared to watch everyone start phantom-scratching while standing next to you in line.
A DIY crafting book for clever crafters who will fur-ociously hide the evidence of where these cute critters came from.
A callus remover worth buying at home so your best friend doesn’t find out they’ve ~rubbed off~ on you and convinced you to start shaving off your feet flakes.
A scary clown mug that’ll look great on your kitchen counter but would look creepy as can be to anyone who might see it sitting in your grocery cart.
A tube of toothpaste that’s gonna ease your gums: buying it online is gonna ease your worries about people thinking it’s because you never floss (you sometimes floss).
A dandruff shampoo for fixing your itchy scalp with a subtle solution no one will even know about, whether it’s seasonal scaliness or a full-year flake.
A box of tampon flasks that are so genius (just as genius as you are for buying them online so no one gets wise to your scheme).
A balm for clearing up toe jam, ringworm, and rashes basically as fast as you can click “add to cart.”
A serial killer coloring book — a fun way to destress in this true-crime-loving world, but it’s sure to look ~sketchy~ to anyone who doesn’t share your… interests.
A box of anti-diarrhea medication that’ll soothe your stomach. It’s good to have *before* you really need it during your date at Buffalo Wild Wings.
A selfie stick that’ll help you take awesome pictures on your vacation (you just may not want people to find out you actually spent money on it).
A bag of marshmallow cereal (with only the marshmallows) that you’re gonna love… as long as nobody knows you’re a dental hygienist who just bought marshmallows for breakfast.
A wine glass that’ll bring you joy every time you touch it, far more joy than you’d have if the teller were to say, “Wow! You must really love wine!”
A BBQ candle for brisket enthusiasts who want a nice smokey smell in their apartment but would rather not ~meat~ anyone who doesn’t share their particular pallet.
And finally, a personalized penis vibe kit that’ll be a big hit, even if buying it in an actual store would give you the ~willies~.
Me after I buy basically all of the things.
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